Dear Beckett, If Only I Had Gone Fishing
by AccomodatorOmega
Summary: One shot. Implied Beckett/McKay. This contains MAJOR SPOLIER if you haven't seen all of season three, particularly the episode "Sunday". For further summary look inside.


**If Only I Had Gone Fishing**

_One Shot: __The beginning is half -retelling the key points of the episode "Sunday" with a few scenes that weren't depicted. It __ends with __a letter written by Rodney McKay to Carson Beckett after he dies when the explosive tumor that he was able to remove safely reached critical mass and explod__ed,__ taking the dear doctor's life. The letter explains McKay's feelings of what happened_.

"Dr. McKay?" the unsure voice of Dr. Hewston penetrated Rodney's hearing in the middle of being in deep thought. "Dr. McKay, what is it."

"Oh, right, it's nothing really just some odd readings in an abandoned part of the city, probably just a small meaningless power surge of some sort, trying to restore power." His fellow scientist kept staring at him. "What." He scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Fine, I suppose someone should check it out. Why don't you take Dr. Watson with you, I'm, uh, off to bed, yes. Need to get up bright and early to go fishing with Beckett."

"Okay, I'll go check it out. Watson, let's go." Dr. Hewston called at her co-worker and they left for the abandoned room to the left as Rodney headed to the right toward his sleeping quarters.

(_Next morning_)

Rodney flopped out of bed and slowly got dressed desperately trying to find a way to get out of his fishing trip with Beckett. _I really don't see the appeal of fishing it's so full of chance and boring. I know I'll make plans with Katie._ He became much more cheery at his genius excuse as he strolled out of his quarters only to immediately run into Beckett.

" Hey Rodney." The Scottish accent rang through the air hitting Rodney with a wave of guilt. "So are you ready for our fishing trip?"

"Yeah. About that, I actually made plans with Katie, and I never get to see her so—" Rodney pathetically explained as he didn't meet Beckett's eyes and rubbed his neck for a moment. "You understand right."

"Oh." Beckett sighed sadly, his excitement having been deflated at Rodney's change in plan but he didn't want to make Rodney be unhappy on their rare day off. "Okay, I'll just have to find someone else to go with." The Scottish accent assured. Rodney smiled and patted his legs signifying the conversation was over.

"Thanks Carson, maybe next time." Rodney walked away feeling much better that Beckett said he would get someone else to go with him.

(_Dr. __Hewston__ has already blown up and Beckett has locked off a section of Atlantis so that no one can stop __him from__ operating on Dr. Watson.)_

_Damn it all. Beckett is so damn stubborn._ Rodney furiously cursed at his friend's charitable nature. _He always has to be the hero, can't pass up the opportunity to save a life. _He continued to fume to himself. The minutes ticked in agonizing pain as Beckett still would not allow anyone to enter. Finally, after what felt like hours, he let the bomb squad in and mere moments later he was carefully rushing the delicate and dangerous tumor toward them.

"Okay, good job doctor. We'll take it from here." One of the bomb squad members announced before radioing back to Dr. Weir that everything was fine which caused a collective sigh in the control room where everyone had been holding their breathes .

Beckett sighed with relief and slowly began to walk back to the infirmary in order to check on his patient. But he didn't make it far, as the man was closing the lid over the tumor it reached critical mass and exploded.

Beckett was immediately killed.

The explosion was heard and felt all the way back to the control room where at least a quarter of the Atlantis personal were located. Everyone knew what it meant but none were sure of the specifics. Weir tried and tried to get a hold of the bomb squad through the radio but she was only answered by static.

"NO! No, he can't—they can't be dead. I have to—" Rodney whimpered hysterically and tried to run to the infirmary but Sheppard stopped him with a sad look in his eyes.

"Don't McKay, you don't want to see. There is nothing you or anyone else can do now." Sheppard commanded in a strong and solemn voice. Rodney only struggled for a second before he went limp and stared at the floor without making a sound. Sheppard dropped his arm and when he went to touched Rodney's shoulder he shied away and quickly walked away. Sheppard sighed in defeat.

"This is entirely my fault." Rodney blamed himself harshly and without a doubt as he proceeded alone to his room so as not to be bothered.

The next day after the damages had been patched for the mean time and the dead temporarily stored in wait for their coffins and folded flags. Rodney took responsibility for collecting Beckett's belongings so that they would be ready to send back with his body.

Rodney somberly sat on Beckett's bed after he had packed away all of the doctor's personal items, he was holding a picture of Beckett clad in fishing gear and holding a fish. _Why did you have to die so soon? He regretfully asked the universe_. He couldn't help himself, he cried, he let it all out as he curled up onto Beckett's pillow, eventually crying himself to sleep. Fortunately, no one disturbed him. He woke up some hours later with a dull headache on a very damp pillow, he had continued to cry in his sleep. When he noticed this he only became more depressed. He had to tell someone what he felt, anyone, but he didn't feel he could, no one would understand, there wasn't anyone else who was to blame for Beckett's death. His glance momentarily meet Beckett's writing desk, Rodney then decided. He would tell Beckett. He methodically searched and pulled out pen and paper to begin.

_Beckett,_

_If only I had gone fishing with you, then it wouldn't have happened to you—_

_You wouldn't have died._

_This is __all my__ fault! I should have checked out the stupid room then at least the machine wouldn't have been turned on and no one would have been exposed to the damn radiation. I shouldn't have ditched you for Katie, you shouldn't have let me go you should have demanded that I not back out and go on that damn fishing trip. Why couldn't you just take the rest of the day off at the very least, you had someone to cover for you, you could have avoided this. You could have just let Watson __die;__ it was his own damn fault for activating the device._

_Why did you have to die so soon?_

_Right now I'm sitting in your room, you are the only person I can talk to, you are the only one who would understand my guilt and then throw it out the window telling me how it isn't my fault and that everything will be fine. But you aren't here to tell me and frankly I don't think I could believe you._

_I'd still be able to see you smiling face, be able to hear your Scottish accent comfort yet another wounded member of Atlantis. You seemed to be the only soul that had remained uncontaminated by the continuous conflict with the Wraith and all of the other tragedies that we have encountered__. You were always smiling and you never doubted yourself, simply amazing, always re__ady to help and giving your all, all through to your last moment alive._

_Remember the time I got shoot in the ass on Sateda? From what I remember, you were telling me it wasn't painful at all and I suppose you were right, after all, you did give me quite the dosage of morphine. I do say you must have enjoyed that._

_I think a little morphine wouldn't hurt right now; maybe it would dull the pain._

_I'm all alone now, I don't have anyone and after today I don't think I will see Katie. __Everytime__ I see her I think of how I ditched you what seems to have been forever ago but was only yesterday._

_We have known each other nearly three years. What took me so long to realize what I felt, why did it take your death? I have been waiting for someone who could accept me and comfort me and just as always I missed it, I messed up my only chances of ever being happy, I mean I always do that I side step things and go off on tangents and I never see the focused picture, do I? I just keep going and—ha, it seems I'm still doing it. How did you ever put up with me?_

_Even though I now you would never want me to live a life of regret, I can't see a day when I'll be able to forgive myself for your death and not regret what could have been._

_With all the love in this infinite universe,_

_Rodney McKay_

Rodney gently placed the pen in a box and folded the letter up and stuffed it into his pocket. Soundlessly, he resumed his task and finished packing up Beckett's things. After he was done he walked out of Beckett's room for the last time with all the memories he had made with Beckett flashing through his head accompanied by a whirl of emotions. A single tear streamed down his face as he left never looking back.

(_Flashback to the previous day before Beckett ran into Rodney_)

When Beckett woke up the morning of the nearly staff-wide day off he was excited and wired with anticipation. He laughed to himself as he thought of how much fun that he was going to have with Rodney on their fishing trip. He had been looking forward to this day for ages, ever since he had thought of the trip and asked Rodney when he had amazingly said yes. He cheerily dressed in his fishing gear and grabbed his fishing pole and camera before he practically skipped with glee on his way to meet Rodney.

_Finally, today will be the day! I'm going to tell Rodney how a really feel. I straight out say it: I like you Rodney McKay. I like you. _He blushed inwardly at the boldness of his imagined action and decided he should probably and more than likely would be subtle to the point of incoherency. In the midst of his thoughts he caught sight of Rodney having just exited his quarters.

" Hey Rodney." The Scottish accent rang through the air hitting Rodney with a wave of guilt. "So are you ready for our fishing trip?"

* * *

**This was kind of an experiment, an exploration of emotions, I really wanted it to make someone cry or at least tear up. **

**Call me strange but I like a good tear-jerker. I don't think I managed to hit the mark but there are plenty of as of yet to be imagined story lines to explore. **

**I would really appreciate ****reviews on my writing style, especially whether it feels ****to**** rushed to ever achieve the emotions I was going for.**

**Thanks for reading XD**


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